How do we normalize breastfeeding?

So World Breastfeeding Week is over and now we're into "National Breastfeeding Month" in the United States. It would seem that we need literally a month to devote to this subject because when it comes to our attitudes on breastfeeding, the rest of the world thinks we're nuts and can't understand our problem.

How exactly do we normalize breastfeeding? And what does that mean?

Some are all about the doublespeak: "I totally support your right to breastfeed, as long as you do it in private or very discreetly." Which sounds an awful lot like "I think breastfeeding is the best thing for babies, but I just don't want to see you actually doing it."

This Victoria's Secret mannequin
leaves nothing to the imagination

Sometimes when I'm out and about I observe things that make me scratch my head like "Seriously?" It's not a wonder we have issues.

1. We need to respect the breast. I'm sorry, but one thing I can't stand is hearing (especially women, for some reason) referring to them as "tits." And when men start basically making cat calls like "I'm all for anything that involves seeing boobs in public," that doesn't really help, either. Sexual euphemisms for your breasts are not helping with the double-minded attitude that people have about breasts and what they should be used for, or that they even have more than one function.

The popular nursing cover "Hooter Hiders" further emphasizes my point: when we're talking about breastfeeding but referring to them as "hooters," I don't know about you but I automatically think of the restaurant chain. Completely pointless.

Not only does the giant apron draw more attention to you, but the name
"Hooter Hider" seems to sexualize the act of breastfeeding. I cannot
wrap my brain around the conflicting messages here. It's like
nourishing your baby, with a touch of vulgarity. Bleh. (And while
they say it's a "top must-have for breastfeeding mothers," I have never
seen anyone use one of these things.)

By sexualizing the breasts even when promoting breastfeeding, it's like shooting yourself in the foot. Case in point - these idiotic promo ads from the Ad Council. Are you serious? Is this really doing any good?

Once again, Americans prove how incredibly juvenile they are about using the breasts for something other than sex.

On the other hand, New Zealand takes a radical approach and actually shows (gasp!) someone breastfeeding. Wait - there's no tarp covering her and she's nursing - and you really can't even tell. How is this possible?

2. Sort of dovetailing off the above point, just say the word breast. I dare you to. Target has a clever tactic of calling it natural feeding in their stores. They can't even say "Breastfeeding" on the sign above the display, even though I'm sure 100 percent of the product packages featured in that section do. Maybe we could get over our sexualization of them if we just matter-of-factly, maturely, called them what they really are?

3. And dovetailing off of that, get rid of the ridiculous marketing. Again with the Target display, I was dumbfounded when I saw this there the other day:

Not only do they not call it "breastfeeding," they don't show anyone actually breastfeeding anywhere in the picture: there is an entire display of bottles with formula in them, and a canister of powdered formula in the foreground. What?!

This was even more disturbing. The mother and baby featured aren't nursing, either. This would have been a perfect opportunity for Target to actually feature a mother doing what the sign advertises, right?

Stranger still is the sign underneath - that immediately equates "natural feeding" with using a breast pump. Some women, obviously, will use them, but this seems to make you think you must buy one, you need one, so you don't have to actually be seen feeding your baby. Truly bizarre.

4. Just do it. I can't think of a better way to normalize it than actually feed your baby somewhere. Who knows - the more women we see nursing in public, the more it can possibly change attitudes and even encourage just one mom. As much as people complain about "exposing" little Johnny and Susie to it as kids, children do need to see that relationship to understand the basic function of the human body, whether mom likes it or not. I'd much rather explain to my child how their brother is fed than have to tell them why Susie's mother doesn't object when she wears next to nothing to school every day.

5. Be an advocate, whenever possible. This doesn't mean staging a "nurse in" or anything of that magnitude, but respectfully standing up for yourself and your rights as much as possible. I'm not saying defy police authority in the pathetic event that they might be called, but responding even keel and not getting angry probably helps a lot (no matter how much you want to smash the person's face in). Hand them a pamphlet with your state's breastfeeding laws. Tell them you're perfectly within your rights and carry on. It's sad that you even have to approach such a thing as infant feeding looking for a fight, but some people will confront you no matter how much you're covered simply because they know what you're doing under there. 

Advocacy shouldn't include, however, being a "nursing Nazi" (a term I despise) and even if you do think formula is poison, keep those sentiments to yourself. Getting up in a mom's face for not breastfeeding is not going to make her turn around and lactate, either.

One way I could put my money where my mouth is, for instance, is to write a nice letter to Target asking them why they're complete asshats about the way they "promote" breastfeeding. Perhaps some positive changes will take place as a result; or maybe they'll just send me coupons for free formula. *snark*

So, where exactly *can* you breastfeed?

In 2010, right after National Breastfeeding Week, CBS ran the following slide show on their site: "9 places "they" say you should not breastfeed." Like this blogger asked, Who exactly is "they?" Even though almost all US states have laws on the books that protect the rights of the nursing mother, many just don't seem to get it.

Some that made the list include:

Photo: CBS News.

1) In front of men.
For me, this was probably one of the most annoying, because I often hear more supportive comments from men than from fellow women. While some guys make idiotic comments about it like NASCAR driver Kasey Kahne made a few months ago, it's completely unfair to make them all look like drooling idiots with a one-track mind.

2) In public. That could mean just about anything to some people. And strangely enough, the photo they used to illustrate this point was "edited" to not show the nursing mother's breast, but yet left intact when the same photo was used for the accompanying survey. Did someone forget that it was supposed to be offensive?

TV personality Barbara Walters
expressed her discomfort
after witnessing a mother on a flight
nursing her baby without a cover.
She reportedly made her hairdresser
sit between them. So apparently
the skies aren't so friendly after all. 

3) On a plane.
Actually, many people would probably say children shouldn't be on flights at all, because who wants to be stuck in a confined space with children? And if you're nursing them, that's even worse. (Never mind that CBS mentions that one benefit to nursing while flying is that it can ease pressure in baby's ears, which makes for less fussing and crying. But it's still wrong, apparently.)

4) In front of kids. This one made me really sad, because otherwise if you don't allow children to see the most natural way to feed a baby, they're going to think - much like many adults - that bottle-feeding is the only way to do it and won't know any better. The Sesame Street clips show us that kids are naturally curious and can have the process explained - and showed - to them in a perfectly age-appropriate, respectful manner.

I bet many people who think it shouldn't be done around kids have no problems with - much less notice - the amount of skin children are regularly exposed to every day: on TV programs and in commercials, while passing by shop windows at the mall, and in public from many others whom they come into contact with. Without explaining to children the parallels and ironies of this, they probably no doubt grow up very confused by the whole thing.

5) In a restaurant. People have to eat, and a baby's no exception, really. Their rationale for why, though, is f*king ridiculous, if you'll pardon my french.

"Advocates say serve it up, but some doctors worry that if a mom has an infectious illness like HIV, her breast milk can spread the infection to others. So, moms should be careful to keep breast milk off surfaces."

The idiocy here is amazing, and I think just another psychological roadblock that many people can't wrap their heads around: that infants need to eat, too, even if it's not from the table. HIV? Really? What, is she going around and squirting milk into people's faces or something?

6) On the job. I'm sure this one will piss you off as much as it did me, because it's hard enough to get support while nursing and working full time. I honestly do not know how moms can work full time and pump, because I considered pumping a nightmare and dreaded it. It's just another serious booby trap - and while you're at it, try not to notice how many smoke breaks that guy in the cubicle next to you takes (the ones that no one says a word about, by the way).

7) At a friend's house. Okay, eff that! If you have a friend who is upset by the sight of you nursing while a guest in her home, then find new friends. Because she clearly isn't one.

8) In a public bathroom. This one was the most ironic - while on their "blacklist" of places not to nurse, it's probably the one where people tell you - or politely suggest - to go to most. This is another psychological one, I think: because just like in a firing squad, no one really wants to be considered the bad guy who made a woman feel shamed enough that she headed to a bathroom to feed her child. And they also don't want to think about how dirty those bathrooms are. So by not thinking about it, it makes it okay, I guess. Kind of like, 'If I ignore it, it will go away.'

Meanwhile, CBS News' response is "Better for mom to catch hell for nursing in public than for junior to get a cold." Catch hell? From whom? And they still make mom sound like she's doing something wrong: acknowledging that someone will disapprove, or that she's a bad mom for exposing her kid to all those germs.

Some think the only real place to do it is your own home. (And hell, even then some moms have taken crap from relatives or friends visiting in their own home about covering up or going into another room.) The car? Nope, someone can still see you, unless you either put a giant blanket over both of you or have heavily tinted windows. And if they see you getting out of your car with a baby, they'll probably still think, "Oh my God, eww! She was feeding her baby in there! Why can't you just use a bottle already?!" 

Many use the rationale that "it's a private act, it needs to be done at home." I guess that means that for as long as I nurse my child, I'm going to be tethered to my doorstep? Really?

They're invisible chains, but they're chains,
nonetheless. 

I think what this segment is really trying to say is "Breastfeeding is best, but we don't like it." According to this survey, there is no perfect place to nurse your child, apparently. 


More reading:
Survey: Should women breastfeed anywhere? (note: the original tagline for this survey said "Should moms be allowed to breastfeed anywhere?)

The politics of nursing in public: haters gonna hate

The other day someone graciously shared this very powerful photo on my fan page:

Photo credits: Teresa Henderson/Michelle Hickman/Becky Wheeler

It generated a lot of interest and definitely some controversy, with 160 shares and more than 500 comments - more than my page has ever seen all in one place before.

Most were overwhelmingly positive, and of course, it'll also bring people out of the woodwork. In moderating the comments, I noticed some interesting things happening, though.

Whenever someone argues against breastfeeding in public, specifically, they always say things like this, "I don't want to see her breasts in public!" But the mother isn't showing any breast at all, so they move on to something else, like the age of her child.

If the child can walk and "could ask for the boob," then he was too old. Or that breast milk didn't provide much nutrition, if any, past the age of one year. (Not sure why, but that part about walking seems to stick with many, who think that's the magic age when kids are automatically independent and don't need their parents anymore.)

Thankfully some pointed out that even newborns can "ask" for milk - by doing the breast crawl, rooting, shoving their fists in their mouths, and finally, crying. And some children start cruising, walking well before a year old, so then what?

Photo credit: Carin Araujo

"'If they're old enough to ask for it, they're too old!' Right! My four-year-old just walked up to me and was like, 'Mommy, can I have an apple, please?' and I was like, 'Oh hell no, if you're old enough to ask for it, you can starve!'" 

Others then mentioned how they felt misled because the photo was staged. Psychologically I think it makes people feel better to know that this particular mother really didn't have to nurse her child in there, even though thousands of women everyday feel compelled to do something very similar.

One guy gets huffy and says "he was lied to." "Just a random pic is VERY misleading." In other words, I don't want to admit or believe that women really do have to sit in a toilet stall to breastfeed because of my delicate sensibilities!"


Some stated that they supported breastfeeding in public, as long as mom was modest about it and used a cover. While I personally preferred to be covered, my babies never liked it much. And I've heard many stories from nursing mothers about how, even though they were covered and showed nothing, they were still confronted publicly about it. A friend told me how, when she was at the mall, she had barricaded herself in a corner, behind her stroller, her baby covered, and someone still came tottering over to her to complain about what she was doing.

As usual, many women asked why the mother couldn't "just pump for those occasions?" Because we all know it's so easy! I asked readers on my fan page if they had trouble pumping and almost everyone that responded said "Yes!" I thought it was just me. I had no problems pumping with my first child, but after that, would probably have to start three or four days ahead of time if I knew I was going to be away from the baby for even a short time. Dreadful.

Photo credit: Marek Bernat

"I don't think she should have to pump just so YOU don't feel uncomfortable. That's your problem... My son never took a bottle, so do you suggest I let him scream instead of nurse? If my son wants to nurse, shoving a carrot or a granola bar in his face is not going to appease him."

And lastly, they picked apart the fact that the mother was pregnant. "You're so not supposed to do that!" one person practically gasped.

In other words, if your supposed immodesty isn't an issue, something else always will be. You just can't please anyone, it seems, and someone will always find a reason to complain about your choice to feed your child. Haters are always gonna hate.

Nursing in Public and the Target Controversy

Today I had to go to Target and specifically went to one out of my way in hopes of meeting up with some mothers who were involved in the Target Nurse-In. Somehow, I read about a local protest going on in my area that the news reported on (somewhat snarkily, I might add) where five women got together in the Target cafe to do their thing. I got there too late (or somehow expected them to be milling around the store, babes in hand LOL) but managed to read some idiotic comments on the article when I got home from shopping.

I bet none of the people who left a comment even saw any of the women in question. And because Target wouldn't allow cameras into the store (which is pretty common practice) we could only get a shot of the back of one woman and the top of her baby's head. If I saw the picture out of context, I wouldn't have even realized she was actually nursing a baby.

People used the typical phrases, "Go somewhere else," or "Find a private place," with proclamations of not wanting to see bodily functions - almost like you're comparing breast milk to sputum or diarrhea. Well, that "bodily function" sure saved me a lot of money when it came to feeding my babies. And if you want to look at it that way - yes, it's a function of your body, which means it was designed to do it. Doesn't mean you have to, but if you weren't meant to you'd be born with two cans of Enfamil strapped to your chest instead.

As I cruised around the store I saw one woman in the baby bottle aisle contemplating which one to choose. Maybe she was shopping for herself, maybe not, but I couldn't help but feel an invisible pang that said "You don't really need that stuff!" Yes, yes, I know there are many women out there who can't nurse: women with serious health issues, some who take dangerous medications, some who have other health issues that interfere with breast milk production that they don't even know about (more about that later in my upcoming series on thyroid disease). But I can't help but wonder if some of the biggest obstructions to nursing mothers (or potential nursing mothers) is psychological.

I don't know if I want to come right out and call people lazy. But there might be some truth in that, some of which isn't even their fault. Nursing is sometimes hard work for people, and I have the utmost admiration and awe for those who succeed, or try their damnedest, to make it work despite the odds. Pumping, working mothers? Oh how I respect them, because I know not everyone can stay home all the time to nurse their child whenever he wants the boob. Women who have tried every supplement on earth and still nothing works? You bet.

I think the modern age of conveniences - like relatively cheap, easy-to-come-by infant formula, perhaps - have made us lazy, in a sense. The mentality of It's right there, just go ahead and use it! is very tempting. Old worn-out ideology about nursing ("Your breasts are too small," "Your nipples are too flat," "You can't feed a big baby") still manage to somehow prevail, which boggles my mind, and therefore creates in women the idea that they're broken and can't possibly work, so why try?

This mentality, I think, has been happening way before us: before we were born, maybe before our mothers were even born. The heavy marketing of cheap, ready to use infant formula (along with lots of other modern things that made our lives easier) swayed our mothers and grandmothers to think the very parts we were born with were somehow dirty, outdated, useless, and paved the way for something better, or just as good, at least. Once the idea that breasts are meant to be looked at, ogled, instead - and that you could display them as you wished because you were a woman and free to do so, if you liked - somehow replaced in our minds that breasts were first and foremost meant to feed a baby and now, we were free to talk at length about their other purpose.

Because of that mentality - the same one that took us from "breast is best and infant formula should be only used for sickly babies" to "formula is fine; why even bother with anything else?" - there's this psychological supposition of failure: That because your mother and grandmother "could never nurse," you might not be able to, either. That because your baby spits up on your three or four times, he has colic and your milk is "bad." That because he's "fussy," (whatever that means) that you should just go ahead and stop nursing because this stuff is better and you don't even have to do anything. Because "who wants a two-year-old sucking on your tit all day?" *sigh* We've gone from people who couldn't afford not to nurse to a nation that actually subsidizes it - by upwards of 50 percent of the total consumption.

That same psychology of failure is what leads many people to believe it's wrong, you can't do it, because it seems like they almost want you to fail because they did. Like, "Because I couldn't do it I'm going to complain at length about why you are." Perhaps they're jealous, I don't know. Maybe the reason they couldn't or didn't is because, like our generation, they get mostly crappy support. No one to quietly tell them, "Hey, great job!" "That's awesome!" or even, "I could never nurse my babies but I'm happy to see you doing it." It's another mommy war, in which people are still angry that someone else dare succeed where they have failed.

One older woman I know, and probably many like her, was given medication to dry up her breast milk - without even asking - because it was assumed she would formula feed. This wasn't even that long ago; sadly, one recent article I read said that few hospitals in the US fully supported nursing mothers in their breastfeeding relationship, even among those who expressly said they wanted to nurse. Disgusting.

People can tell you to "go somewhere private" all they want - but that's not always a foolproof plan, either. One time while shopping in Walmart, I had to nurse the baby so I retreated to a fitting room (which was fine with me; then I could get nice and relatively comfy). In the middle of nursing, a kid - probably ten years old - looked under the door for several seconds not once but twice, which I must say I found kind of annoying. I mean, modeling a perfectly normal breast-feeding relationship is one thing, but can we do it another time, perhaps? And where the heck is your mother, kid?

The majority of people in that article who complained, I bet, have never even seen a nursing mother expose herself. Much less even seen a woman nursing her baby in public. Sadly, I can't even remember seeing a nursing mother any time recently. I think the last time I did was almost two years ago at my son's school field trip, when the mother of my son's classmate was breastfeeding her baby. And then, I stared - in awe, not in shock - because I admired her for tucking herself in a shady little corner and discretely nursing her baby. I knew what she was doing, but saw no breasts, nothing - except a little bundle of love cradled in her mother's arms.

More reading:
Target employees bully breastfeeding mom despite corporate policy - Best for Babes
Breastfeeding mother 'told to leave council headquarters because it is a multicultural building' - Daily Mail
Breastfeeding mother asked to leave pool
Women-only gym asks mother to leave for breastfeeding son
Natalie Hegedus, Mom, Kicked out of courtroom for breastfeeding - Huffington Post
Kasey Kahne, NASCAR driver, tweets against breastfeeding in public - Huffington Post

Kids: The greatest inconvenience on earth!

A few months ago my family took me for a celebratory birthday dinner. As we showed up, three kids in tow, the countenance of the room literally fell. An older woman dining with her mother and husband went rigid as a corpse, stealing glances at us occasionally and commenting loudly enough for us to hear. I was on guard, as I usually am, about my children behavior, and while my daughter was happily singing music from "The Grinch" at the foot of the table, they weren't being terrible or anything. I couldn't relax because I was too busy policing my children, making sure they weren't offending other diners, but Mrs. Stick Up Her Butt was obviously put out and they left the restaurant.

My husband and I try so hard to instill good manners in our children, especially when we're in the company of other people. But apparently it isn't enough. 

Restaurants are issuing notices: "Adults and teenagers only." So don't even think of stepping foot inside. Apparently the old notion that "children should be seen and not heard" is still very much alive and well, and if your kids dare to make a peep, it must mean that you're a bad parent, not that they're....*gasp* normal kids!

Interestingly enough, we recently dined in a restaurant in another town, wedged between a group of adults and teens and another family with four kids. The family with four was being rather loud, but looking like they were having a good time, which was nice to see. While the din was starting to get to me, I looked around and noticed something interesting: no one was getting uppity, no one was shooting anybody dirty looks or making snide remarks. Where you dine makes a difference: not just the particular restaurant, but maybe even just the geographical area itself. My husband and I have a theory about our area - once you cross the line in one direction, people get snottier and snottier; the other way, and people are more friendly and welcoming. 

One restaurant in Georgia got around a no-smoking ban by banning children from the restaurant. Government policies ostensibly meant to protect children from second-hand smoke are void now if you don't have young patrons to protect, and restaurant owners were upset that the government was telling them what to do. So they directed their ire at parents, and told them what to do: leave your kids at home. Because we all know putting your smokes down for an hour for the sake of the kiddies is just too much to ask, isn't it?

I just read that an airline in Malaysia has decided to ban babies from all first-class flights. They have apparently stopped installing bassinets in the first-class area, and now will relegate families to other areas of the plane. Business class passengers, according to one survey, are "annoyed" at the presence of children and wish to see them gone from their area of the plane during flights, too. (I wonder, if someone took a survey of parents, would they, too, find businessmen and women "annoying?" Probably.) 

Depending on the size of the child, they could be very affected by changes in altitude and pressure within the cabin. They can't chew gum or make their ears pop when it gets to be too much. A scared infant can't express his fear of flying or just take a Valium to overcome the sensation, and might actually get hungry on the flight, too, but can't have peanuts. And if you're nursing - which can both feed and comfort your baby during the flight - well, forget that, you can't do that, either. Just listen to Barbara Walters, who was thankful that her hairdresser separated her from a nursing mom on a flight - the nerve! Make the hairdresser sit next to her, Barbara - she almost makes the nursing mom sound like she has leprosy or something.  

I still remember during one grocery shopping trip hearing an older kid screaming in the shopping cart. He looked old enough to be past the temper tantrum stage, but then again, who knows: there could have been a number of things going on here that could explain his behavior. It was like the Doppler Effect as I went through the store, and one old guy passed me and muttered something under his breath about 'telling that kid to shut up.' It was like he almost expected me to understand because I was a mother who had a kid in her cart, too - like surely I had sympathy for his delicate sensibilities because my kid was behaving so well. I said, "Well, we don't know if there are other issues going on here with that kid. Besides, you should see my other two!" He wasn't sure what to say and just walked away. 

So if you're a parent, apparently the only place you can go out to eat is Chuck E. Cheese. If you're nursing a baby, you must lock yourself in the bathroom or stay home. And if you do have to go out someplace, your kids should always behave like angels and never make any noise. The idea that all children act badly in public or are undisciplined prevails, and when they do behave well, people are almost shocked. While I do get many sympathetic glances from older women who have raised their children, perhaps from some who are in the throes of teenager syndrome who long for the days of blissful babyhood, I'm sure many people are annoyed. When a waitress once complained about us (she didn't realize I could hear her clearly) because our kids colored on the table - sorry lady, but you won't get my business anymore. The guy from Bob Evans, however, who brushes it off with a smile and says, "No problem, we have stuff to take that off, it's easy!" will probably see me again. 

If you have children, this world is not designed for you. Mall aisles are usually too narrow for your big stroller; a double stroller - forget it, you probably won't be able to get in the doorway. No one wants to see you "expose" yourself to nurse a crying baby. They want your kids to shut up and be compliant, and why don't you put them in leiderhosen and tights while you're at it, the picture of perfection like a Norman Rockwell painting. If you happen to want to dine with your family but your baby is going through that "I want to hear myself scream because I'm happpppyyyyy!" phase, you might as well just get back in your car because we don't want to hear it. You are not entitled to be a person with needs and interests, and neither are your children. And if you dare mention wanting more than two - because you already have the perfect family with a boy and a girl, why would you want more?! - then watch the nervous twitches and apoplectic seizures begin! Instead of being a blessing, children are an inconvenience, along with their annoying habits and needs that trump our own. They can't be hungry or tired at odd times, and certainly aren't permitted to express it - only adults can do that (by complaining, exchanging glances and words or just by behaving, in general, like children, ironically). 

What this shows is an amazing lack of empathy that our culture has towards the needs and wants of others, especially children who are unable to express themselves for whatever reason. The goal is to get them weaned, toilet trained and independent as soon as possible: why aren't they weaned from the breast by six months? Why are they still in diapers at age three? They're five now, why aren't they in kindergarten? Never mind if they're just not ready yet; get them on their way to becoming self-sufficient as soon as you can, because kids are just so darned demanding and such a nuisance, aren't they?

The next time someone gives me a hard time, or even looks like they're about to, I'm just going to say, "You didn't just come into the world a grumpy old person - lighten up. You were a kid once, too."

More reading:
Permissive parents: Curb your brats - CNN

'Commandments' article misses its mark

Poor Heather W. She probably never dreamed that her article, "The 10 Commandments of Dining with Little Kids ," would stir up so much controversy. (Complete with 'gentle reminders for non-parents alike,' whatever that means.)

I've had assignments like this one; I wrote a piece several years ago about family-friendly restaurants in our area and how to make it a more enjoyable dining experience. I don't know if Heather has kids, but I at least wrote from personal experience. And it didn't include "leave the kids at home." (And if I remember correctly, all of the restaurants I featured were "upscale," so that doesn't necessarily mean they aren't child-friendly; just the people dining there will be.)

Even though she made a disclaimer in the beginning that she's not "anti-kid," to most of us she sounds exactly that: someone who has no children, and expects everyone to fit her neat, crumb-free little idea of what the world should be like. People who are thoroughly grossed out by screaming, snot-nosed faces, poopy diapers and Cheerios picked up off the floor ("Five second rule!").

Throughout Heather's list of "do's and don'ts," she basically makes it sound like parents and their young broods should just stay home - be relegated to the virtual safety of their own house, where no one can see, hear or look at your undisciplined, hungry little brats. That way no one but you has to hear their screaming, endure their impatience at slow service or smell unpleasant odors. Big strollers blocking the way are annoying and loud toys are a total nuisance!

I don't know if Heather is aware of this, but sometimes those high chairs at restaurants can be really nasty. As in, my child is stuck to the seat, they're so gross. Not to mention my baby is a big boy - I joke that he wears lead-lined pajamas - and won't sit still very well on my lap. In the high chair, he's sitting up high with us, in perfect line to rip the tablecloth off, play with and drop silverware all over the floor, and spill things. Should I just leave him at home then? (Oh yeah, and at 14 months, he likes to scream. Not because he's upset, but because he likes to hear the sound of his own voice, which is something I think a lot of adults suffer from, coincidentally.)

As far as screaming, misbehaving kids, I've learned not to jump to conclusions too quickly. I think many moms of autistic children and others with difficulties want the world to know that it's just not possible, sometimes, to keep their children quiet. At some point you have to live your life, and if that means going out in public with a child who is likely to blow up at a moment's notice, so be it. A few weeks ago I was out grocery shopping with my two youngest. I had the baby in the cart and had dropped off my daughter at the play area already. We passed a grandmother-ish type pushing a young boy in a shopping cart who, by my best guess, looked too old to be having the fit he was throwing in public, and an older guy stopped me and said something in passing about how the woman should smack the kid. I said to him, "You don't know what's going on with that boy," and left it at that. He just looked at me and tried to laugh it off by saying, "But yours is behaving so well!" I said, "You haven't seen my older two."

And while we're banning strollers from crowded restaurants, shouldn't we just tell people, "Sorry, I know you're in a wheelchair, but it does take up a lot of room!" No, I didn't think so. But what Heather doesn't realize is that this world is really meant for people who can walk under their own power, no strings attached. Meaning, no one in a big, bulky wheelchair or with a double stroller, or kids on each hip. Try fitting into narrow doorways, up and down stairs and between narrow aisles at the malls without dragging a display of men's dress shirts with you. It's not easy.

And God forbid if your baby gets hungry! You are not to breastfeed at the table!

This is the comment that got most people riled up, understandably. Heather suggests checking out the bathroom - because many of these fancy, four-star restaurants we all want to attend on a regular basis have really nice restrooms! I can attest, as someone who often uses those public restrooms for their intended purposes, there are places I wouldn't even want to take a crap in, let alone feed a baby. But if Heather wants to pick up her plate of filet mignon and join one of us in the stall, feel free!

As a parent of three who uses a stroller and still breastfeeds, I have a few commandments for Heather and her crowd:

1. Relax. The world does not revolve around you. Put yourself in our shoes for one-half second and perhaps you'll understand that babies only poop the minute you're in an inconvenient place, and kids will be angels until you dine out in public. 
2. Breastfeeding in public is not a crime in any state. So stop making women feel like criminals for feeding their children. I suggest you look the other way if you suspect someone is nursing their hungry, screaming child in some place other than a bathroom, because your eyeballs might just fall out of your head if you don't. 
3. Have patience. Don't think that parents actually enjoy hearing their kids screaming, acting up or doing other embarrassing things in public. Parents are entitled to enjoy themselves too, and sometimes that involves having their children with them. Babysitter called off 20 minutes before you were supposed to leave? Yep. You have reservations and are meeting friends? Yep. You're going anyway because you're entitled to enjoy yourself too? Yep. And remember, you were a child too, once upon a time. In an era before DVDs, fancy strollers and other gadgets to keep a kid busy. What did your mother ever do with you?
4. Don't assume anything. Especially that the child who is throwing a tantrum in public can control himself, or that his behavior is even really predictable. Sometimes it's a battle for parents to just step out for an hour in public, and they shouldn't be made to feel that they can't include their children in that time. 
5. If you want quiet adult time, perhaps you should stay home. That way you can make dinner in the privacy of your own kitchen, trying out fancy new recipes together. (How sexy!) Then you can do whatever you want - flash as much cleavage as you want, talk as loudly as you want or say any off color comment you can think of, all without fear of offending others (especially people with little kids). You can behave suggestively with each other and fawn all over each other, all without fear of stares or offending someone who just doesn't have the guts to tell you to knock it off. And you won't have to see anyone nursing their baby in public! Because we all know that's not what boobs are for, right? 

I know Heather's suggestions are for "upscale" dining establishments, whatever that means. Maybe Heather also doesn't realize that no one really has time for all that fancy stuff once they have kids. I think a lot of people are missing the word 'upscale' and expecting this kind of militant behavior of parents and their kids in all places, even those touted as 'family friendly.' Her suggestions on breastfeeding almost make it sound like nursing in public is only for those low-class places that most parents go to with their kids, not "four-star restaurants."

In the end, I think Heather, like most people, just needs to get over herself and order take-out already. Then everyone is happy.

Can I Get Some Privacy, Please?

We're visiting the in-laws, and I just caught a glimpse of my husband and father-in-law out the upstairs window with ladder in tow. Good grief, I thought, please don't let them come up here. What are the chances? I finished feeding the baby just as my husband's face came into view. Can't a girl and her little booblet get any peace? Which reminds me of our latest family trip to Wal-mart. Of course, whenever we're there, the baby always needs fed. Generally the relative calm of a locked fitting room will do the trick, but this time my nursing session was interrupted by a rather inquisitive young girl who decided to crawl on the floor to see under the door. "What are you doing in here?" (since I obviously wasn't trying on clothes) "I'm feeding my baby!" I said, hoping that would be the end of it. Nope - she peeked not once, but twice! I should be glad about possibly providing a young girl to see a natural aspect of motherhood: after all, using the boobs God gave us to feed our young is quite an extraordinary thing! And it's not like I was out in the open, breasts exposed for all to see. You'd think that, after breastfeeding my third child, I'd have quite the knack for nursing in public (NIP, to those of us 'in the know' LOL). Not so! Of course my two boys were the ones who often ate the most, whenever, wherever, regardless if they had just been fed prior to going wherever we were. That would be the time they would just have to be nursed at the dinner table, during some important function, or whatever. And of course neither one liked having a blanket over their heads to conceal the goods; nope, they had to grasp it in one chubby fist and rip the whole thing off. Not exactly discreet. Thankfully I've never really received any horrid looks or been confronted by an offended passerby. But I outright refuse to nurse my child in a dirty bathroom stall where other people normally take a dump - that's where I draw the line. (However, our local Walmart does happen to have a nice bench in their restroom, just an FYI.) One thing I don't get is how certain people have a problem with breastfeeding, yet are totally okay with women walking around with half their cleaveage hanging out, thongs and tattoos exposed and on public display. Yet me feeding my baby (who happens to be a boy) is somehow disgusting? Please! Boobs are not just for pleasure, people! I've heard of people getting the evil eye (the "I can't see what you're doing but I know what's going on under that blanket!" look) for nursing, and really, as long as you're not doing topless dances on the tables, who cares? Baby is hungry; baby needs to eat! I've seen plenty of people shoving food into their mouths in public and find that much harder on the eyes than a baby discreetly enjoying mother's milk, God's perfect food! And I'm not sure whether to cringe or laugh when I see my 2-year-old daughter casually (but lovingly!) lifting her shirt to 'feed' her baby. Why discourage something that is perfectly natural? Hopefully it will be a positive model for her and when it's her time to have babies, breastfeeding will be her method of choice.