|Brothers are wonderful, but there's something |
about sisters that's magical.
And I have to admit, that no - I don't "feel done." What a big step it was in finally admitting to myself - saying out loud! - that I wanted another baby. There is no overwhelming urge to quit having children and leave my son's babyhood behind. I am reluctant to cut his hair, despite it growing into his face and making him look like I already do have two daughters, because it is symbolic of his babyhood. I'm still nursing and quite happy about it, and so is he, Boob Man that he is.
When my youngest was probably less than 24 hours old, I had that familiar pull that I wanted Another Baby. I thought to myself at the time, This is ridiculous. Feeling let down or ripped off by an unplanned cesarean is one thing, but wanting another baby? I felt like I only wanted another child because of some kind of "do over," which seemed silly and drastic. Why did I want another baby when this process - going through a lack of support to try another VBAC, high blood pressure and borderline pre-eclampsia, and being "old" while pregnant were hard enough the last time. Ballooning to just over 200 pounds at birth did not help, and that's one thing I do not care to repeat again. I distinctly remember the nurse asking me my weight while in the presence of my husband, and I flatly told her, "I don't know." LOL
I waited patiently for that Baby Urge to go away, and even though I was getting up twice a night with an 18-month-old, struggling with three and doing mountain after mountain of laundry, it never went away. I'd sit at night nursing the babe, exhausted, and think, Maybe I don't want another baby. But I could never quite push it out of my mind.
I thought on it for months and realized how much I absolutely love the image of heavily pregnant mamas, herding their two or three little ducklings around in public. There is something so wonderful about the image of a large family, despite what our modern society thinks about it. I have several step and half siblings, but none from my parents' marriage, and while there are merits to being an only child, I always yearned in some ways for a sibling.
There are those usual concerns - my age, the space between siblings - that people often mention. The other day I was thinking, 34 isn't too old to have a baby, what am I worried about?! Then I remembered, Wait a minute - I was 34 when I had my last baby, I'm 36 now! I distinctly recall being pressured into ordering extensive tests because I was going to deliver a baby at "an advanced age," and I think so many women are scared into not having the children they otherwise would have by an overbearing care provider who has them convinced that their uterus is going to shrivel up and fall out once they hit their 35th birthday. Since I just turned 36, I haven't noticed anything particularly alarming in that area, and as far as I can tell, my parts are all still where they should be.
A lot of people I've talked to express concern over age gaps between kids, which I think can be as much crap as it can be valid. I am 12 years older than my youngest half brother, and while we're not particularly close, being raised in different households didn't help, I'm sure. My three stepsisters are close despite being raised in tumultuous situations surrounding the death of their mother when they were young. I once dated a guy whose parents waited several years after their second baby in hopes that the third child would be closest to them, while the older two would be close to each other. The exact opposite happened - the oldest and youngest were close, while the middle child was - and is still, from what I hear - practically attached at the hip to his parents.
There is nothing saying that they will get along and be all happy giddy, but neither is there anything that says they won't. My oldest two, after all, usually fight like cats and dogs, but they love their baby brother, and he loves them.
I decided, as time went on, that yes - part of it, a small part - is the hope that I can get a do over. I was particularly encouraged when ACOG restructured their guidelines about VBA2C being safe for some women, even though I know that doesn't mean any doctor in my area will support my wishes. Through my FanPage I've found excellent support and resources from other women and midwives that suggest yes, I can VBAC after two cesareans, which brings me even more hope and encouragement.
Much like while I was pregnant with my third baby, I desperately want to give my daughter a sister. I know there is nothing saying that if I do get pregnant we'll have a girl, but there is that inkling. There is something wonderful about brothers, yes; but something truly magical about sisters. I would love to be able to give her what she's asking for. I know that, if we do have another, that things might not turn out the fluffy fairy tale that I'm dreaming they will, but I'm willing to take that chance.