Mom, The Human Chew Toy

Three months down and still no routine. I don't know what I'm expecting - miracles, maybe. Just to get Mister Baby down at night in under two hours would be heavenly. I've been kind of resentful lately. Resentful and tired. I know this is mostly my fault - well, really all my fault. I feel guilty for even writing it down or verbalizing it, because I know people who would kill to have my problem. I don't even know who I resent - but I almost have to fight off the urge to scream out loud some evenings when all I want to do is something other than nurse a baby for two hours. I have a beautiful, chubby baby who obviously gets adequate nourishment from me, but sometimes I can't help feeling like a Human Chew Toy. I love breastfeeding, but sometimes I just need a break. Now that summer is here my husband can and does watch the children at length so I can have time to shop, putz around or do whatever. But somehow it's those evening hours that are hardest. I hate the fact that whenever I want to do something, I am usually too tired. Or when I have the energy, I don't want to do it. What the heck is up with that?

If I went to bed early, I muse, maybe that extra hour or two of sleep would make me feel better. Then again, maybe there would be no extra hour or two, because it always seems like that's when Mister Baby wakes up and needs something. By 9 p.m. or so, I'm usually so tired all I feel like doing is sitting at the computer and loafing. And after trying on several pair of shorts tonight that didn't even remotely fit, this has me even more depressed. I feel like I've morphed into some kind of fat slob over the course of the past three months, like I looked better pregnant. Whatever the case, I just wish I could lose 30 pounds and that someone could do it for me. LOL

I told my husband I wanted to go work out tomorrow before going to church. We'll see how that works out. I know as soon as I get back into a regular routine that it'll get easier; it's the starting out all over again that's the hardest part - starting from scratch.