Why my child will never have a cell phone

I feel kind of sorry for my children. Because surely I must be the meanest mom ever.

My oldest is at the ripe old age of 10, and already is asking when he can have an iPhone. I basically tell him "never." Well, maybe not never - but I first emphasize to him that he is, after all, only 10. Then I remind him that I pay over $1,000 a year to have that phone. So far that seems to deter him, but I don't know how long it will last.

Why not? Everyone else is doing it! 

I somehow managed to go about well into adulthood without having one. I was already married before we purchased our first cell phone, a dinosaur of a Nokia that was functional but beyond that, mostly a pain in the butt to use. That was probably ten years ago.

Obviously technology has improved greatly and most of us are a long way from that old flip phone. As a mom, writer and whatever else I do I cannot imagine living without my smartphone, that honks a reminder to me when I need to be somewhere or sounds the alarm for the kids when it's time to head out the door. It's been great planning directions en route, not getting lost at crucial moments, calling ahead for pizza or sending a quick text to tell relatives we made it home from our long trip.

Call me old fashioned, though, because I just can't see how those applications that make the lives of adults easier can be applied to a kid who still sucks his thumb or watches cartoons on Saturday mornings. Why complicate things that just don't need to be complicated?

I can see how some parents would find them useful for certain things, probably for things I cannot relate to. For instance, we live in the country, so my child isn't around town by himself taking the subway. He's not at after school programs without me, or at any of that stuff that some other families might do. Don't get me wrong, we do have a life.

Several times my son has told me about the basket on his teacher's desk: it holds over half a dozen phones each day while he and his classmates are in school. Why they bring them, I don't know. I see one child's mother every day in the parking lot, without fail, so it's not like there are complicated pick ups and drop offs that mean mom and daughter won't see each other much. In fact, it seems like quite the opposite when I see them together, as if apart from school, they never leave each other's side. Even if her mother forgot about her, the school would take her back inside for shelter and wait with her until her mother showed up. And guess what: they'd let her use their phone to call home, just in case.

He has told me that several kids have shown him games on their phones, which leads me to ask about what else is on their phones:  can they access the internet? He says yes - that sometimes they watch YouTube videos. I want to make sure he's not exaggerating, that perhaps there are some parental controls on their phones because hey, they are kids, after all. But then I think to myself, don't count on it. I remember the days when VCR's and DVD's first came onto the market - and hearing how the preschool-aged kids could operate and manipulate them better than their own parents.

Aside from bullying through social media, the latest concern are photo apps like SnapChat, whose novelty seems to be that it can take photos and share them with others and then quickly delete them. Only the problem is that it doesn't really delete them, especially if you know how to do a screenshot. Supposedly the sender will be alerted if a screenshot is taken of their photo, but who cares - the damage can still be done. Some are worried that the supposed disposability of these photos will make users think they can send photos without consequence. It seems, though, that when it comes to the Internet and it's possibilities, both positive and negative, that nothing can be sent without some consequence.

(And guess what, folks - there's a new app that can bypass the screenshot notification - as well as a few new tutorials on line about how to take secret screenshots of SnapChat pictures. Wonderful!)

And the makers of SnapChat, as well as other popular brands like FaceBook, Twitter and YouTube ultimately care little about the content that might be visible to your pre-teen, but rather seem them as a marketing tool and little else. How hard is it to just lie about your age when you get an Instagram account? (By the way, there are literally millions of FaceBook users under the age of 13, which is probably a conservative estimate.) How hard is it to even find the privacy settings, much less fully understand them, before blasting your photos to the entire universe? As many have said of sites like FaceBook, it's like they want you to "overshare," and you realize little just how much info you're giving away over a given period of time.

Images: marketingland.com
At least 20 percent of teen users have 600 or more FaceBook friends.
How many of those 600 people do they actually know?
Thankfully the vast majority of them make their settings private, but a good portion do not. 

Again, when you consider the minimum required age to use FaceBook (wink wink, nudge nudge) is 13, and how utterly ridiculously hard it can be to keep on top of all the changes, settings and everything else the website throws at us (hey, did you know we can use your photos for public use in ads on our site? Thanks!) I imagine some people either fail to see the scope of what they're sharing and with whom or just throw up their hands and say screw it because it's so overwhelming.

We can also see trends in what kinds of information teens are sharing, perhaps without even thinking (and let's face it, adults do it too).

Image: marketingland.com
We make it pretty easy for people to find us
when we share this kind of information. 

I think it's fair to say that we shouldn't just call out teens for this potentially risky behavior; adults do it, too, sometimes unintentionally. And if I hear one more sanctimonious adult say, "Who cares, I have nothing to hide" one more time, I'm going to slap them. 

How many times have we seen inspirational or uplifting photos that say "If such and such a photo gets one million likes, X will happen." Within mere days or even hours of posting, they've already reached half that goal or more. That can be great if you want to share something, and can be devastating if you don't. Like the gossip grapevine, word travels fast - even faster if it's spread through Twitter, FaceBook, Instagram, or through whatever flavor of the month app people are using. It was noted that among one recently publicized teen suicide for social network bullying, the perpetrator obtained nude photos of the victim through an online chatroom, only to send them to just about everyone in her school. When she moved to another district - guess what, he continued to send them to students at her new school. 

Because of the advent of social media, it also means that all those typical teenage habits can be instantly photographed and shared with everyone. Gone are the days of "remember when we toilet papered our teacher's house and then got drunk? Good thing no one took pictures." Unfortunately sophisticated camera phones, coupled with instantaneous access to the internet, mean those memories are documented in real time and then, moments later, can be broadcast everywhere, many times with disastrous consequences. 

As technology changes and our boundaries concerning it are bent, shaped and sometimes broken, it's increasingly important to educate not only our children, but ourselves, in all the new ways it can be used and abused. Respecting not only yourself, but other people's boundaries, even if it seems harmless and in good fun, are becoming more and more important as well. I once had some strange creep blatantly take my picture in the grocery store check out line. Who knows where and how that ended up? 

As more and more stories of teen cyber bullying hit the internet, one thing I cannot understand is why people consider it a form of punishment to take away the cell phone of someone who is being bullied. Sure, if my kid were the one bullying someone, you can bet their phone would probably end up under the tires of my vehicle in a dramatic display of just what I thought of their behavior. But I'm beginning to think it's equally important to take a stance when your child is on the receiving end, if not for one important reason: your child's mental health. Receiving hundreds of text bombs a day, scanning updates on FaceBook from people you once thought were your friends who are now gossiping about you, seeing constant reminders in your face all the time, can have their lasting effects. Limiting that contact, and then redirecting into a more positive interaction, can potentially help them to see the negative, detrimental effects that it can have on their lives if left unchecked. Deleting the account, deactivating it, or putting the phone away for awhile might be worthwhile as you focus on something else that is more productive. As adults, we see our FaceBook friends do this all the time: announce they're taking a leave of absence to get away from toxic environments, or just to get work done or pursue other things that are more important and then poof, they're gone for months. Maybe forever. Why can't we encourage our children to do the same? 

I like the idea that this teacher came up with: show a picture of herself illustrating how fast something can be shared on social media. It's important to remember this is just one fan page that may have shared the image, at any given point in time. There could be many, many others - including this blog and whoever reads this post! 

Image: FaceBook/Time 4 Learning Timeline photos

The above photo received over 600 shares and nearly 8,000 people liked it -
this particular time it was shared. How many times was it shared on FaceBook
in total? Huffington Post estimates this photo was shared at least 16,000 times
and liked by more than 600,000 people. That's like the size of a small city.
Or, a large college campus…. 

Aside from the lesson learned in the example above, this article highlights how manipulating this photo - sometimes with funny results, sometimes not so much - can further lead to trouble. 

Have your kids had a bad experience with social network bullying or experienced negative consequences from cell phone use? 

More reading: 

Teacher very successfully teaches students about internet safety - Huffington Post

FaceBook dominates teen social networking, but enthusiasm waning over drama, stress and oversharing - marketingland.com

Snapchat nudes are being screenshot and secretly posted on FaceBook - Huffington Post

Snapchat's expired snaps are not deleted, just hidden - The Guardian

Mom nurses triplets!

I love this picture: a Florida mom (who birthed them naturally!) is nursing two of her three babies, while the third one presumably sits patiently in line, waiting his turn... LOL

Photo: *The Milk* Sunshine Coast Lactation Consultant
FaceBook fan page

I want to post this here to make a mental note of it, because I just like this picture so much. Breastfeeding is hard enough with just one sometimes, between pressures with work and family, well-meaning but crappy advice, and just everything else. To nurse multiples?? I can't imagine, but if I had them I know I would do it, come sleep or no sleep (but that's just me). So it's great to see a positive image of someone managing to do it.

Of course, somewhere along the way FaceBook had a hissy fit and reprimanded some fan page admins at Peaceful Parenting for sharing it. Even though they supposedly support breastfeeding mothers, "as long as the baby is actively nursing." A screenshot of FaceBook's TOS on breastfeeding is as follows:

Those babies sure look like they're actively nursing to me. So before it gets yanked by the powers-that-be, I'm sharing it here.

Of course, when there is no baby in the picture, those fully exposed breasts are just fine.

Why I don't use my real name - here or on Facebook

I've toyed with the idea over the past three years of blogging to finally reveal my real identity. I was this close to doing so, perhaps in an effort for "transparency" (I hate that term) and then something happened. I think it was in the midst of Mrs. BWF's blow up over on her blog Birth Without Fear and all the trouble she was having with trolls that finally did it for me. I took a lesson from her: do not give out your real name except to those whom you really trust. We've either been in the middle of it or seen it from the sidelines, but you do have to admit - there is quite a bit of snark going on in the birth nerd world.

It's estimated that 27 percent
of users on FB are fake.
So what? 

Not that I don't trust all the wonderful people who read my blog, "like" my fan page and friend me through my anonymous account on Facebook, but you get the idea.

This morning when I logged into my Deranged Housewife FB account, I was blocked from entering, presumably because they are going through a "fake name" purge and decided I was on the list. Fine, whatever. I realize they have those policies for a reason, but it is not the paragon of security and honest social networking they'd like to think it is, and they're not really fooling anyone. It's often been said that privacy settings are hard to figure out, more complicated than they should be, and it's no secret to anyone that they purposefully try to get you to share more than most people would be comfortable with. (Just check out what they consider 'default settings' sometime and you'll see what I mean.)

I've heard people say, "I don't care, I've got nothing to hide." Perhaps. But yes, in some ways we all have something to hide: considering identity theft is a huge problem, and (from what I've heard) FB's new policies on harassment actually make it easier to harass people than hinder the process, I think many people should rethink how much they want to share. Some of us are having a hard time because of policies that immediately think you're spamming or doing something evil simply because you don't want to share what they consider relevant details (name and birthdate).

Who, really, needs to know my real birthdate? I mean, what does it really matter to the social networking world? I find it scary, considering if you did know my real name and birthdate, you could probably - just by those two kernels of information - find out where I live, and where I have lived, in the past decade. (Check out that site "Intelius," I'm sure you've seen it.) Is FB really that stupid?

Because of that brand new "ticker" feature, I can see content on fan pages that I'm not supposed to see because I don't subscribe (which is against their TOS, too, apparently). One classic example of why people use fake accounts is when they subscribe to groups - one such group is a haven for people with illness to connect and share ideas about their condition. The only problem was, because certain information can't be hidden, and thanks to that damned ticker, their problems were blasted to everyone on their friends list. They'd come back and say, "So and so said, 'I didn't know you were sick.' Or "You just use your illness as an excuse,' kind of thing," because they can read so and so's comments on that group. I responded, "Yeah, like I really want everyone to know that "XYZ Disease has killed my sex drive!" I'm sure that would go over well. Using a fake account means they can more openly share information without having to worry about "friends" listening in on the conversation. (Again, there may be super-duper complicated privacy settings to switch somewhere in the bowels of your FB account that can change all that, but who knows, really.)

I've read that upwards of 27 percent of people use fake names. Not all of them are malicious spammers; some just want to get around the 'filter' that means they can't vent their feelings, true thoughts and frustrations when grandma, Pastor So and So and perhaps a gossipy aunt are watching. And you know they are. Can't FB understand this? I have actually seen several custody disputes and family arguments unfold on FB, and it's sad and scary to think those people can't even say anything without someone jumping on the defensive. And honestly, if I shared half of the birth nerd info on my 'real' profile that I do on my "business" one, no one would comment, few would "like," and I'm sure I'd get unfriended several times over.

There is that "lists" feature (or whatever you want to call it) that separates people into groups based on your criteria - but I wonder if many people know how to use it. And if you have to go to a separate (non-FB) tutorial just to learn how to use some of their crazy complicated security features, then it means things should probably be simplified a bit. I bet many people don't even realize how much info they share on any given day and they would probably be horrified. We can tell them "Don't use it, then!" all we want, but for some, this is the primary - albeit flawed, perhaps - way they contact friends, relatives and business contacts. (When an older relative asks me "Should I get on Facebook?" I often bluntly tell them, "No - you'll never be able to figure out their privacy settings.")

As for my personal account, I've taken myself out of Google search, Facebook search, instant personalization (yeah, what a joke) and all the stuff I can think of and it still doesn't seem to help. On my anonymous account, I don't care who knows what I'm reading, when I'm reading it; on my private account? Heck yeah, I care, so stop sharing that info even though I've unchecked that stupid box 100 times already and it doesn't seem to change anything. Months ago, my relatives were getting fake requests from Facebook users who claimed to be friends with me, even though I had no idea who they were. How'd they know who to target? Who knows. (The only link I can make is that data between my email account and Facebook was shared. I never did find out the answer to that one.)

When it comes to the business of FB friends, it's rather perplexing. If you get too many of them, they don't like it. If they suspect that you've sent too many friend requests (even though you haven't) they don't like it. Apparently they want you to be a social butterfly, but only to a certain point.

Last night my husband and I were watching a movie about the Nazis, and at one point they mentioned how the gestapo were made up of very few people, who relied solely on the reports of common citizens to do their jobs. Well, it's kind of the same thing at FB: they have, apparently, very few employees worldwide as compared to the number of users, and depend on others to report every seemingly offensive political, religious, or breastfeeding post that just might offend someone. Sound scary? It should. If only we knew just how many people - people who are supposedly acquaintances and friends, otherwise people you trusted - "turn in" someone for content that just happened to make them mad. Yet the "F*ck Jesus/Christians/Islam" fan pages are still up and running, despite numerous complaints and reports. 

When you think about it, the age of internet use, sharing information and social networking is both revolutionary and some scary sh!t. Think for a moment about all the information you're required to submit when you sign up for an online account - whether it's with Facebook, a cooking website, even your bank - and then think of all the people out there who are trying, sometimes successfully, to gain access to that data. There have been security breaches at bank companies (my credit card number was compromised in just such a breach just a few months ago), and FB has admitted to losses of data in recent months and years because of hackers. And they get mad because there are some details you'd rather keep private, even though you can easily prove you mean no ill will?

If you're spamming people with bogus friend requests, porn pictures or other stupid products, it's going to show up on someone's wall. It will be obvious. But if you've never received a complaint from anyone, and have the public wall to prove that the links you share are anything but spam, then honestly I don't know why they get their shorts in such a bunch. They want to maintain credibility, says their CEO, because if it were loaded with fake accounts then "no one would take them seriously." Seriously?! I think it's way too late for that.

In the meantime, I'm not sure what I plan to do. I have considered trying to reactive my blogging profile, gather any pertinent information I need and close it, using FB under my fan page. I hesitate to send personal information to verify my name (although FB encourages you to blot out any other personal details and promises (pinky swear!) that they will immediately shred all details as soon as the information has been verified. I hate hate hate to lose the wonderful artwork I've posted, and all the friends I've made, if they don't get the memo, will go up in smoke. I really want you all to know how important you are to me: the wonderful connections we've made, conversations shared and ideas exchanged has been more fulfilling than you'll ever know! Many of you interact with me on a regular basis and have almost become friends (in more than a FB sense, I guess) and I would be terribly upset if those connections were broken forever.

Stay tuned and please, keep in touch!

More reading:
Why the number of people using fake names on Facebook is increasing (or something) - I don't know who wrote this article, but a lot of their assumptions are totally stupid.
Real users caught in Facebook fake name purge - God forbid your mother gives you a name like 'Anakin' because no one at Facebook will really believe you.
Facebook privacy settings are too complicated
Facebook Privacy: a bewildering tangle of options - NY Times

'No epidural for me: I'm brave'

I love Flair on FaceBook. But this one I didn't love - the "epidurals are for sissies" button. A literal "vag badge," perhaps?

That's kind of like the stupid comment I heard on a Baby Center board about VBACs: "No VBAC for me - I love my baby!" What the heck?

I know the person who made this Flair means well, but unfortunately comments like this only serve to further polarize the birthing community. We know that every woman is different, and thus every pregnancy is different. So is our individual level of pain tolerance. What is relatively painless for one woman might be excruciating to another. Add another set of circumstances in there, like fear, psychological issues like prior sexual molestation or abuse, medical issues like vaginismus, and the level of pain for one woman is completely different than the next.

I'm all for natural birth, and feel that out of my three births, the ones with spinal anesthesia produced infants who were slower to take to the breast and generally sleepier. But considering the risks of having an epidural, not to mention the unpleasant side effects that can sometimes happen, sometimes I wonder if the women getting the epidural are the brave ones. It's a good thing you can't see what's going on behind your back.

I'm sure if I looked hard enough, I'd find the "NCBers braid their toe hair and eat granola" Flair or something similar. Private thoughts aside, sometimes I think we need to just smile and nod, keeping our mouths shut. I would hate to have this flair posted to my wall and hurt the feelings of my friends, maybe one of whom had a horribly long, posterior labor that was quite painful. I had back labor for the first hour or so of my VBAC labor before my baby turned; I don't know how I would have coped had it lasted the entire time.

And some women who know the risks and go into it with an open mind end up getting the epi, whether because they were pressured or because the pain was just much more than they expected. I'm sure the one mom I know who suffered major internal damage as a result of her rather botched vaginal delivery was thinking that. I suppose, unless we don't have a horror story to tell, it's hard for us to remember that neither side is a complete walk in the park, and just about anything can happen.

I just like to say, "Maybe you won't need one; just wait and see what happens."

Join me on FaceBook! (Another shameless plug)

Yes! I'm on FaceBook! Isn't it scary?

If you're a fan, I invite you to join The Deranged Housewife's Fan Page . Together, we will join forces to infiltrate the birth community! Or at least that's what I envision, anyway.

Feel free to "friend" me if you like as well! Whoopee! Ironically when I added my first "friend" the captcha word was "effacing." Is that a good sign or what?